Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
