I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
