She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
