just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
