I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
