why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
