never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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