so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
