so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That accounts for only three of the penises
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
