before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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