I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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