i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
