i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
