At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
