i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
