Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
