K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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