Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
this will be a night to untag.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
