I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
