Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
