I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
