I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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