you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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