apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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