just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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