we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
