he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
