I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
