god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
