yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize