then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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