I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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