my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
