you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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