I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
