if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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