if i can run in heels then i can drive
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
