i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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