What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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