she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
