There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize