pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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