Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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