How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
