so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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