Kiss
Puke
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
