I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
