Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
