I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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