So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
