if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
