But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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