I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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