don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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