Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
