Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
