Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
sarcasm needs its own font
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dicks are not precious.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
