I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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