you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
