I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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