Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
